Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Yuppy Chain Holiday Card (a little late)

Pleasant season my friends,

Hi. Some of you may not know me but I am my master's (Matt) house plant. I live in a pot on my master's speckled linoleum counter top. He sincerely apologizes for not keeping his blog more up to date but wants you all to know that he will be working on that in the coming weeks. So, another year has passed and I want to write a letter letting you all know about the exciting stuff going on in our thrilling lives, and, well, to brag about my master.

My master is currently working towards completing his four year bachelors degree in six years. All of his professors say he is a pleasure to have in class and that in fact, he is brilliant. Just last week my master found the solution to a math problem that even his professor could not solve. My Master is so smart. I wear a sticker on my pot that announces the unique genius of my Master.

Not only is my Master an intellectual giant but he is an absolute big shot at work. He works in a large office--the central nerve of the University. The pressure he must face behind his desk juggling the delicate power of order in a shit storm of chaos. Without my Master's monk like calmness and sharpness, the office would collapse. My Master works so hard. I tell him to relax, play a game of civilization, but no, he works into the wee hours of the night, by candle light as to not use to much electricity (My Master is very environmentally minded), grading papers for the professors and balancing the budget for the Dean. My Master is the center of the world.

Oh and you should see all the stuff My Master has bought this year. He is really boosting the economy, as rich and successful as he is. He eats out almost every night and not just at McDonalds either but really rich exotic places. Greek, Tai, Mexican. He is a big shot. All the waiters know him and give him big helpings. My Master tells them jokes and though they aren't as clever as My Master, they laugh and laugh. My Master is so popular.

My master also has a way with the ladies. Women adore him. His beautiful girlfriend comes over and they laugh and smile and stare deeply into each others eyes. They are so in love. Other people might think they have loved but I seriously doubt anyone has ever loved like My Master loves. His girlfriend is the most beautiful and intelligent woman. She is a big shot too.

My Master was also in a biking accident this year. Very painful, I'm sure. My Master though, God Bless that sonovabithch, took it like a true man. He had titanium rods holding his arm together but after a few weeks pulled them out himself without even taking pain medication. My Master can beat up anyone!

Yes sir. Our lives are wonderful. We are doing exciting stuff almost everyday. This spring My master is going to take me skydiving in the Congo. We are living the American dream and doing it so stylishly.

Happy Holidays,
Peter Plant


mom barry said...

I am so glad to hear you and your plant are doing so well! I am in awe of your accomplishments in 05. I always knew that you were a big shot.

Arc said...

" he works into the wee hours of the night, by candle light as to not use to much electricity (My Master is very environmentally minded) "
I hope you realize candles emit methane and CO2 that contributes to global warming (grin) just a stupid fact. Be careful with those things though! ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FIRES!(the image of a ranger bear with a shovel comes to mind.)

I tell him to relax, play a game of civilization, but no. Ohhh, tell your master than he should try civilization 4, is like heroine, ONLY DIGITALIZED! [just a figurative speech, of course I cannot know what heroine tastes like] xD

I am my master's (Matt) house plant. I live in a pot on my master's speckled linoleum counter top. There shouldn't be slavery in this day and age. Demand him to be planted in the ground! a backyard will do for now. FIGHT THE POWER, J0! And stop calling him master, it creeps out everybody LoL.

and tell Matt: GET A HAIRCUT! ...YOU PUNK!

PS. I'm just teasing, happy holidays!

P.S.S. Remember not to take this comment too seriously :P

P.S.S.S. Of course I cannot be Matts father... whos father even says J0?

P.S.S.S.S. What the hell was in that COFFEE!? O_o!

noell said...

now that was the greatest christmas newsletter i've ever read! I LOVE IT! thanks for making me laugh matt- happy new year!

Michael said...


Good post.

I might have to steal this ingenius idea...

*cackles evilly*

Ann Spam said...

Hi Peter Plant!

That reminds me of the Ladybird Garden Gang Series... Only the Peter in it was Peter Potato.

Keep doing photosynthesis and give your master more oxygen. He'll need it since he's the center of the world. ;]

A Can of Spam

Matt said...

(lays down on leather sofa and folds arms) Civilization is much worse than heroine! Let me tell you. I have broken the Civilization disk twice in an attempt to reclaim my life. I bought Civ IV only to discover after it was too late that my computer can't handle the power of that game. I do take it down to my parents house when I visit and play it on their powerful computer. It is very addicting. I especially like the introduction of religion into the game play, though I've never made it to the modern age in that game. I still say Civilization II: Test of Time, is the greatest game ever made, and should rank up there as one of the wonders of the digital age.

Oh, and, hey Mom, thanks for commenting!

Bex said...

That was a great post, Matt! You made me laugh with that one :)

Arc said...

Civ 4 is a great game, but by far, the greatest thing it has to offer is the sountrack... OMFG what a masterpiece.
Everytime I sit to play the game, I feel like listening to the golden disk that was launched along with the voyager. The sound of it is very... worldly (if that even a word) is not American rock or mexican mariachi, nor any other type of specific music. You can't really pinpoint the music orign, and I just love that.

Also, how the leaders of diferent civilizations get along better just by being friends for a long time, or having trust issues because one is buddhist and the other one jewish is Freaking great.

I hear ya, my computer can barely run that game. I'm actively searching for the sountrack, so any help (torrent preferently) is appreciated.